Distorted And Shrunk
by The Mr. President
Summary: L.J.Smith novels as you have never seen them before. 1st Chapter: The Forbidden Game 1: The Hunter Julian related randomness galore. 2nd Chapter: Daughters of Darkness. Ash and Mary Lynette strangeness.
1. Chapter 1

WARNING: Extreme levels of randomness.

* * *

The Forbidden Game 1: The Hunter

"Oh no! I haven't brought my boyfriend a birthday present even though I am supposedly head over heals in love with him! I'd better go into this suspicious looking More Games store to get him something!" Jenny trollops off into the More Games store and begins to look around.

'Man that guy is fit!' Jenny says to herself as she gives the blue eyed white blond haired and very good looking shop keeper the eye in a way which obviously does not contradict her supposed love of her boyfriend Tom.

"Hello person who I do not know and have most definitely never stalked since they were very young." The shop keeper guy coughed innocently at this point. "Why not buy this board game? I'm willing to sell it to you for $20….(under breath in a menacing way) and your soul"

"What was that?" Jenny hadn't quite heard that last part.

"Oh nothing. Definitely nothing at all vaguely threatening. Now if'll you'll excuse me…" And with that the mysterious, yet strangely alluring, shop keeper disappeared from sight, going off into a back room.

For apparently no reason, the scene quickly changed and Jenny found herself in a large room of what could only be a very creepy haunted house type mansion. There, standing in front of her was the guy from the More Games store.

"Why are we here? Who are you? And what am I doing here?" Jenny glared at him suspiciously, once again ogling at his general good-lookingness

"Firstly, we are here because the Julian obsessed author of this piece, when reading the Forbidden game series, always skipped to the bits with yours truly in. Also, I fancy the pants off you and naturally the only way to a girls heart is to kidnap her and all her friends then put them through all their worst nightmares." The looks in his eyes was hunger, kind of like the look of a person who hasn't eaten in a while and has a rumbling tummy.

"Sounds logical enough." Jenny replied, making a mental note that all shop keepers are most likely crazy.

"In answer to your second question, why not call me Julian?" He sauntered up to her in an apparently casual way but Jenny couldn't shake the feeling he seemed to be predator sizing up his prey.

"Is that your name?" She asked him, warily.

"Not really, but it will do." The person not called Julian replied.

"Is your real name Clarence?" She quieried him, now intrigued.

"No. Just call me Julian."

"How about Bruce?"

"No. I already told you. Call me Julian." The was a definite angry edge to his voice now.

"Howard?"

"No. Stop asking me what my name is." He spoke through gritted teeth.

"I know. It's Dwayne isn't it?"

Julian sighs in defeat.

"Yes it Dwayne. How did you know? But everyone calls me Julian for short." The sarcasm in his voice went completely unnoticed.

"BOO YAH!" Jenny yelled and punched the air before continuing arrogantly. "I knew I'd get it in the end. Anyhow Dwayne, why am I here?"

"To play the ultimate came off……." Julian paused for dramatic effect. "ROCK PAPER SCISSORS! If you win, you and your cronies gain your freedom but if I win you'll stay here forever. MOH HAH HAH HAAAA!"

"No, anything but rock paper scissors!" Tom whined like a girl. The reason he hadn't spoken previously is because him and the rest of the gang had been going to the restroom. What can I say? When you have to go, you have to go.

"I'll accept your challenge." Jenny, being an arrogant git, naturally thought she could easily win rock paper scissors.

"One…two…three!" Jenny and Julian said together at the same time.

Julian, because rock always wins, beat Jenny who had done scissors.

"Pah! You fool. Everyone knows rock always wins." Julian chuckled in triumph whilst Tommy Poo and the rest of the kiddies yelled "NOOOOO!" and shuck their fists at the ingenius Julian and his infallible plan.

Unfortunately for Julian, Jenny had a cunning plan.

"Hey, to celebrate, why don't we make out in the closet over there?" Jenny smirked to herself at her own geniusness whilst Tom curled up in a ball and began to cry.

"Why not? It's not like I've not anything better to do." Foolishly, Julian went off into the closet and Jenny slammed the door behind him yelling "Never-open-sesame!", sealing the door shut.

"Woo! We beat the bad guy. Let's go get pizza!"

And so, Jenny, Tom, Audrey, Dee, Michael and Zach all heading off to the local Shadow World Pizza place (unfortunately, Summer was left behind in the Haunted House because no one could be bothered to look for her) meaning nearly everyone lived happily ever after.

* * *

Please review! All comments and constructive criticism will make author dance around the room. Also, if you have any suggestions for what L.J.Smith book I should next summarise (and most likely change very strangely) please review and tell me. 


	2. Chapter 2

Warning: Mary Lynette has a personality change… as do many other characters. Also, I have lost this book so I don't know what actually happens at all. Oh well! Also involves a lot a character bashing. A LOT. And naturally randomness galore.

* * *

Nightworld: Book 2, Daughter Of Darkness 

Mary Lynette was doing her usual Peeping Tom act of staring into other peoples houses, or what she claims is "star gazing", when she noticed several dark figures moseying around in Mrs. Opal Burdocks back yard. Naturally, Mary Lynette presumed that a punch of Goat Collecting Ninjas had attacked Mrs. Burdock and were now burying her in the back yard.

Dragging her younger brother along with her, Mary Lynette headed off to investigate. Which is obviously a really good idea. I mean, why not to off to investigate a house without telling anyone where the murders are very still likely to be?

"Alright! Nobody move." Mary Lynette bellowed after knocking very politely and enquiring if anyone was home. "I have a gun!"

"No you don't." Kestral pointed out. "That's just your finger in your jacket pocket that you are pointing at me."

"Damn it! I've been foiled again. You Sneaky Mrs. Burdock murders!!" Mary Lynette shook her fist angrily in slow motion (because it adds dramatic effect) at them. "And I would have gotten away with it to if it hadn't been for your meddling observation skills."

"Dude, what are you going on about?" Jade gazed at Mary Lynette with wide, but admittedly stupid, eyes. "We didn't kill her. The million of tiny wooden stakes in her did."

"Look whatever, ok? GWASH!!" Mary Lynette glared at Mary Lynette grumpily. "Come Mark lets go. My favourite wrestling programme is on. AND FOR GOODNESS SAKE STOP OOGLING AT THE GIRL!!!"

Reluctantly, Mark was dragged away from his beloved Jade by Mary Lynette.

The next day, Mary Lynette had just been stealing candy of the next door neighbour's baby when she entered her house to find her step-mother Claudine talking to a good looking guy. He had a handsome smile, clean cut features and longish ash blond hair. So logically Mary Lynette's first thoughts were to try and beat him up.

"Hey! Person. Get out of my house. Pronto." Mary Lynette rolled up her sleeve, readying herself for a fight, as she advanced upon him.

"Meh! I could take you. I am THE ASH REDFERN you know. I eat vermin like you for breakfast. Literally." His eyes were a golden hazel, brimming with amusement.

"FIGHT! FIGHT FIGHT!" Claudine began yelling from the sidelines whilst shaking some cheerleader pompoms and chanting. "Mary, Mary she's our girl. She'll beat him and make him hurl!"

"You're going down pretty boy." Mary Lynette began mentally preparing herself for battle. "I think I better warn you I am a Master of Unagi."

"You mean you have mastered the state of being prepared for an attack you don't even know is coming?" His blue-violet eyes showed a mocking respect.

"No. I mean I am really good at making sushi." Pulling out a handy nearby chef's hat, Mary Lynette was fully prepared for battle.

"Look, I really don't have time to deal with this." His eyes were now amber with an annoyance.

"Then how about you deal with my fist in your FACE!!" Mary Lynette bellowed as she leapt forward and dealt him an elbow smash, followed by an inverted facelock elbow drop and then a tiger feint kick to the head. Clearly all those years watching wrestling programmes and having to beat up people who disliked her spying on them with her telescope had paid off because Ash was soon rolling about on the floor crying like a baby holding his face and moaning "My face! My beautiful, beautiful face. Life just isn't worth living if I can't be beautiful!"

"HEY! Don't beat him up! We haven't yet discovered the secret of his ever changing coloured eyes!!!!!" Rowan and Kestrel yelled as they burst into the room. An upper cut and a throat thrust soon shut them up.

"Don't hurt my sisters! They owe me money." Jade pleaded, as she barged into her house. Her cries were cut short by Mary Lynette who dealt her a devastating head butt to her stomach, causing her to pass out.

"Don't hurt her!! I wanted to ask her were she brought her shampoo to take her hair so shiny and white blond!" Mark similarly was knocked down after a series of Mongolian chops to the side of his neck.

"Leave Mark alone! He hasn't finished doing the dishes yet!!" But before Claudine could protest further Mary Lynette dealt her a Rolling Wheel Kick, causing her to fall to the ground.

"Hey there Mary Lyn." Jeremy Lovett strolled into the house but stopped when he saw the carnage surrounding Mary Lynette. "Err…I'll come back later."

And with that everyone lived happily beaten up after. Except Jeremy, who ran off and joined a "I Like Killing Goats And Old Women" society, and Mary Lynette (who never was successfully beaten up) who became a Pro Wrestler known as Scary Mary.

* * *

I'm planning on doing Vampire Diaries next followed by Dark Angel (but it may take a while as I am in the middle of my A-level exams). But if you have any screamingly urgent requests that most be done all you will spontaneously combust please review and demand it. 

Also, please review! It is extremely great for my self esteem (I will not lie). I try and reply to all the reviews so thanks bundles to also to the reviewers who I could not reply to via the message thingy: Lunatic (here's a Daughters of Darkness chapter. I hope it lives up to your expectations!! Thanks alot for your review.) and Hannah (That is the nicest compliment I have ever had in a review for one of my stories which is attempting to be funny. So thank you so much!!!)

**Note** : If you are wondering why Mary Lynette says "GWASH" see my profile for more info. If you are not wondering why, then maybe you should. Down with the Overlord!!


End file.
